Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch. One said,
"Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says
'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar
for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'.
They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and
have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a
twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime."
The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to
believe. Do you go there often?"
"No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes
every noon."
Wheelbarrow
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it
used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
Watch the Expression
Father: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell
her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for
child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter: "OK"
Later....
Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.
Daughter: "OK"
Later....
Daughter: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother: "Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.
Too Much to Drink
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until
the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his
house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts
tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and
lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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