A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90%
work and only 10% pleasure.
The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree,
so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him
his opinion.
He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He
answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if
there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it"!
Witch Doctor
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?" The witch doctor says
"All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it`s over?" The witch doctor says
"All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"
Who's Obsess with Sex
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
obsession with sex."
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
Wet Dreams
A man went to his doctor and told him of his extremely active sex life, he
said he had a wife, several mistresses, masturbated frequently, and had wet
dreams every night.
The Doctor asked which he liked the best.
He Replied, "Wet dreams...you meet a much higher class of people in them."
The Doctor asked which he liked the best.
He Replied, "Wet dreams...you meet a much higher class of people in them."
Visiting a Doctor Friend
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt
to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."
"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."
Vasectomy
Charlie wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a
vasectomy. Charlie agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in
his office. At a crucial moment during the procedure one of Charlie's testicles
fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally
stepped on it and crushed it.
[Standard operating procedure.]
However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation.
[Standard operating procedure.]
A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.
[Standard operating procedure.]
However, the doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk. Taking an onion, and realizing it was the right size and weight, he placed it in Charlie's scrotum and completed the operation.
[Standard operating procedure.]
A few months later Charlie returned for a check up. When the doctor asked how things were going, Charlie replied. "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.
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