Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one
day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you
each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no
infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around
Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about
this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."
3 Nationals go Hunting
An American, Italian, and a Polock go hunting.
American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"
Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.
The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and bloody all broken bones.
The two ask, "What the hell happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"
Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.
The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and bloody all broken bones.
The two ask, "What the hell happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
Three Chinese Daughters
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of
man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
Stretching a Dime
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach,
and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of
a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on
her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on
her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
Stereotyping
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first
officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious
by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish
Captain speaks, " I don't like Chinese. "
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?
"The Captain says, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "
The F.O. says, " Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
And the Captain answers, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike. "
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, " No like Jew. "
The Captain replies, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "
F.O. says, " Jews sink Titanic. "
The Captain tries to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg. "
The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same.
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?
"The Captain says, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "
The F.O. says, " Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.
And the Captain answers, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike. "
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, " No like Jew. "
The Captain replies, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "
F.O. says, " Jews sink Titanic. "
The Captain tries to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg. "
The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same.
Speeches to the Deaf Society
An Englishman , a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleague's starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies...and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleague's starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies...and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
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