A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the
doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my
fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and
keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue
depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and taped it all together;
a pretty impressive piece of work.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the
honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a
gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,
"You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his
pants and said, "Honey, look at this, still in its original crate!"
A Farmer and his New Bride
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon
pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said,
"That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once."
A Canadian and Iraqi and an Israeli
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one
day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you
each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."
Izzy says, "Fill it up with water."
3 Nationals go Hunting
An American, Italian, and a Polock go hunting.
American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"
Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.
The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and bloody all broken bones.
The two ask, "What the hell happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How'd you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"
Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.
The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and bloody all broken bones.
The two ask, "What the hell happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
Three Chinese Daughters
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of
man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.
Stretching a Dime
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach,
and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of
a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on
her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on
her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
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