A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to
face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up,
showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife
crying.
So the husband inquires "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but
I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't
care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you
what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying
again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something
for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again, the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom
and I'll have my lunch there!"
So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new
bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH
down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing
honey?"
To which the new bride replies "Warming up your supper!"
Vibrating
While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box
attached to the bed.
"What's that for?" she asked her spouse.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed starts vibrating,"
"Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too."
"What's that for?" she asked her spouse.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed starts vibrating,"
"Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too."
The Best Worms
A man and his wife checked into a hotel for their honeymoon one warm June
day. The desk clerk and hotel manager gave each other the 'nudge-nudge',
indicating that they would never see the two of them all week long, as they
would be up in the room, consummating their marriage.
But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fishing poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon.
This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fishing, and be gone for most of the day.
The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fishing.
Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?"
"Why do you ask", asked the husband.
"Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fishing. I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her."
"Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to make love to me, as she has Gonorrhea"
Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral sex on you?"
"Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much"
"Sir, what about Anal sex?"
"Nope. She has diarrhea"
"But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?"
"Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she shits the best worms!"
But, to the managers' amazement, the new husband came down the stairs at 5:00 am, dressed in waders, with fishing poles and tackle boxes in tow. He left the hotel, and did not return until the sun was dropping beneath the horizon.
This same routine was performed for the next three days...the husband would come down the stairs early in the morning, decked out for a day of fishing, and be gone for most of the day.
The hotel manager was amazed...if his wife was as attractive as this mans wife was, he would be in bed with her all day long! So , he decided to confront the man when he returned from his day of fishing.
Around 7:30 that evening, the husband returned. Immediately, he was confronted by the hotel manager. "Sir, I must ask you...have we in some way failed you as a hotel?"
"Why do you ask", asked the husband.
"Well, Sir, every day, you leave your wife alone, to spend the day fishing. I would have expected you to spend the day with her, making love to her."
"Oh, I see what you mean", said the man. "My wife is unable to make love to me, as she has Gonorrhea"
Taken aback, the manager replied "But certainly, Sir, you could have her perform oral sex on you?"
"Can't. She has pyorrhea, and her mouth hurts her to much"
"Sir, what about Anal sex?"
"Nope. She has diarrhea"
"But Sir," said the most shaken manager. "If you wife has Pyorrhea, Gonorrhea, and Diarrhea, why on earth did you marry her?"
"Well," said the man "I like to fish, and she shits the best worms!"
Texas Couple
One day a young Texas couple decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?" The husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!".
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks,
"What are they doing honey?" the husband answers, "They're roping!" she replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks. "That is my rope" he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks "They are my knots" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband asks "What's the matter honey?" The bride replies, "Undo those knots and give me more rope!"
Most Beautiful Night
On his honeymoon, a very thick South African Boer farmer, Piet Kruger,
insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea.
On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.
"Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie.
"Ag Hendrik, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly.
"No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said.
So Marie sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Hendrik once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Marie grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep.
In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony.
"Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked.
"Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
Missing Newlyweds
A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents after the
wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for both
breakfast and lunch without the seeing the couple.
When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and son, "Have either of you see the newlyweds?"
The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law all day.
The bride's older brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM the previous evening, when he stuck his head out the door to ask if he knew where there was any Vaseline.
As the father's face took on a knowing smile, his son further added, "I couldn't find any Vaseline, so I gave him some model airplane glue."
When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and son, "Have either of you see the newlyweds?"
The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law all day.
The bride's older brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 PM the previous evening, when he stuck his head out the door to ask if he knew where there was any Vaseline.
As the father's face took on a knowing smile, his son further added, "I couldn't find any Vaseline, so I gave him some model airplane glue."
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