Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns
to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set
it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench
press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the
cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams
each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when
I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a
powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for
the rest of the day."
The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have
time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Two Mice in a Bathroom
Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub. The first
mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for
a swim?"
The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"
"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.
"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
The second mouse quickly replies. "Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"
"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.
"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"
Three Flies
OK, so there were these three flies, and they decided to spend the night in a
woman's body.
The first one went in between the boobs, the second went up the ass and the third went in the pussy.
They all woke up the next morning and were talking about their nights.
The first one said, "I had a great night, sleeping between two pillows."
The second one said, "Same with me except for the fact that I could swear that, well...it smelt almost like home in there."
The third one looked REALLY tired and said; "I had a horrible night. Every quarter of a second this little bald guy came in and spat on me!!!"
The first one went in between the boobs, the second went up the ass and the third went in the pussy.
They all woke up the next morning and were talking about their nights.
The first one said, "I had a great night, sleeping between two pillows."
The second one said, "Same with me except for the fact that I could swear that, well...it smelt almost like home in there."
The third one looked REALLY tired and said; "I had a horrible night. Every quarter of a second this little bald guy came in and spat on me!!!"
Three Ducks in the Bar
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand
and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and
chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".
Teaching the Dog
Jake got a 6 month old dog at the dog pound and was having trouble getting it
house broke.
He decided to rub the dogs nose in it every time it wet on the floor and throw the dog out the window to teach the dog a lesson. After about two weeks of faithfully doing it Jake thought it was about time the dog figured it out.
Sure enough the next time the dog wet on the floor he rubbed his own nose in it and jumped out the window.
He decided to rub the dogs nose in it every time it wet on the floor and throw the dog out the window to teach the dog a lesson. After about two weeks of faithfully doing it Jake thought it was about time the dog figured it out.
Sure enough the next time the dog wet on the floor he rubbed his own nose in it and jumped out the window.
The Dead Frog
One day a twelve-year-old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead
frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred-dollar bill on the counter and
says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you
think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and
says, "I want one of your women."
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes."
Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve-year-old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)