Confession

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession.

He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark." replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?" The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare.........or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark." insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity. Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his mate was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get absolution?" he asked.

"Naw." said his pal. "But I got 4 names for the dance this Saturday!"

Bugger Missed

A priest and his friend Bob were playing golf. The priest was playing well on the day, but his friend was having difficulty with his putting. They reached the par 3, eighth, the priest hit a good shot, but Bob hit a peach of a shot, 18 inches from the hole. The priest putted up to the hole and tapped in, for his par, seeing his chance to pull a shot back. Bob stalked around sizing up the shot, he moved from side to side as he addressed the putt, when he was finally ready he took his stroke, and pulled it to the right, "Bugger!missed!" he exclaimed.

The priest was rather shocked at him swearing. "My son" he said "God hears all obscenities". Bob apologized and they continued to the ninth. Once again the priest was playing his normal steady game, but Bob was in trouble in the rough and had no chance of reaching the green. 

However, he played a miracle shot, got a lucky bounce and his ball rolled and rolled stopping less that 3 feet from the hole. With even more determination than at the previous hole, he line up his shot - every thing taken in to consideration - he putted it looked good - slowly it rolled to the hole and stopped. Bob threw his putter to the ground "Bugger! missed" even louder this time.

The priest looked at his head shaking no, "my son, God hears all obscenities" no sooner had he stopped talking the sky turned black, and a bolt of lightening streaked through the air, and killed the priest where he stood. Bob looked up and heard God exclaim "Bugger missed!"

Brother in Law can Pay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Brides of Christ

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the Bishop presiding noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the centre aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn't have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ. "

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom. "

Blessings

A priest and a rabbi who are very good friends coincidentally need to buy new cars at the same time, so they decide to go shopping together.

They visit all the automobile dealers, and both of them wind up choosing to buy the same model and same make of car. They buy the two automobiles and are just about to drive them out of the dealership, when the priest says to his friend, "I have an idea. Wouldn't it be a nice gesture for each of us to bless the other one's car?"

"That's a great idea," replies the rabbi.

So the priest goes over to the rabbi's car and sprinkles it with holy water. Then the rabbi goes over to the priest's car and cuts an inch off the tail pipe.

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."