After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with
her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the
preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it
if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn
good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in
Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it
was so damn good, I put $5000. in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
Give it a Good Rub
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
Fuzzy One
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to
notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking
beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat
down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish....."
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish....."
Fuck Off
Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she saw a novice nun
working in the vegetable patch. Unfortunately every seed she planted was stolen
by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby.
"Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!"
Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over.
"Young lady.......That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo.......shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves."
"Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!"
Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over.
"Young lady.......That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo.......shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves."
Four Old College Friends
Four old college friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle
"Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle
"Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
Father O'Grady
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
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