Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this
trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your penises. All of you males, take
off your dicks and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a
receipt. After we see land, you can get you dicks back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very
excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see
if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land
yet." "Shit!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the
matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the
water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited
every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a
piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"
Missionary
A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a
tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good
Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.
"Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."
Men shall Inherit the Earth
God created the donkey and told him: you will work tirelessly from sunrise to
sunset, carring heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have
intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!
The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.
Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.
That was what God did, and since then...
Man live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back. Then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him: You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.
Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.
That was what God did, and since then...
Man live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back. Then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
Key to Heaven
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Jesus in a Bar
An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to
the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a
long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that
Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender.
"Yes it is," the bartender
replies. "Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman
responds.
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.
He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.
"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.
He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.
"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"
Is Sex Work or Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if
sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)