There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to
Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well
endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like
three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and
fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of
course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued,
"if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
Sleeping Around
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to
visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he
walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.
"Father, I am sinful. "
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the
Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
"Father, I am sinful. "
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realise your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."
"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the
Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
Sailors in Church Service
Two British sailors attended a church service in Stockholm. Not speaking a
word of Swedish, and not wishing to appear out of place, they sat behind an
important looking man. When he stood up or knelt down, they did the same. At the
end of the service, the pastor made what was evidently an announcement,
whereupon the man in front of the sailors rose to his feet, and they did
likewise - to a roar of laughter from the congregation.
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism... and would the father of the child please stand up."
As the sailors left the church, the pastor spoke to them in English, so they asked him the reason for the laughter. "Oh!" he said, "I mentioned that next Sunday morning there was to be a baptism... and would the father of the child please stand up."
Room for the Night
Two priests are making their way to a remote monastery by foot. To get there,
however, they have to go through the town and the town is full of hookers.
The first they pass, flashes her thighs and says "Want some fun, just 20 bucks for the night".
Anyway, the priests are shocked and hurry on their way.
This goes on about three more times.
The weather starts getting bad and they are nowhere near the monastery yet. A big storm is brewing, lightning flashes etc. the priests are very lucky to find a nunnery on their way.
They go in, explain their situation to the Mother Superior and ask if there is room to sleep.
Then they ask "How much for the night?"
To which she answers "20 bucks, same as in town".
The first they pass, flashes her thighs and says "Want some fun, just 20 bucks for the night".
Anyway, the priests are shocked and hurry on their way.
This goes on about three more times.
The weather starts getting bad and they are nowhere near the monastery yet. A big storm is brewing, lightning flashes etc. the priests are very lucky to find a nunnery on their way.
They go in, explain their situation to the Mother Superior and ask if there is room to sleep.
Then they ask "How much for the night?"
To which she answers "20 bucks, same as in town".
Religious Freak & the Atheist
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with
his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before
St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's
only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets
in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakesit up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act and gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a nice pair any day."
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakesit up and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act and gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a nice pair any day."
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