Murphy's Law on Sex

• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• Nothing improves with age.
• No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
• Sex has no calories.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
• No sex with anyone in the same office.
• Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
• A man in the house is worth two in the street.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• Virginity can be cured.
• When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
• Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
• The younger the better.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
• Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
• Do it only with the best.
• Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
• Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
• Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
• Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
• Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
• What matter is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• Never say no.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
• Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
• Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
• Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• Love comes in spurts.
• The world does not revolve on an axis.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
• Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
• Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
• Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
• "This won't hurt, I promise."

Marsian's Dick

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Male Sex Organ

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:
- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

Just Married Couple

A just-married couple's on a plane on the way to their honeymoon.

The wife turns to her new husband and says, "Honey, how will I let you know at night when I want to have sex?"

He says, "Simple. Any night you want to have sex, reach over and tug on my dick. And any night you don't want to have sex, tug on it about three hundred and fifty times."

Got Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. 

The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

Is Sex Work or Play

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."