A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner
she
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out
one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna
screw for
that?"
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but
I'll blow
ya for that toaster over there."
Hair Spray
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He
wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel
like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking
and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to
the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
Gloves for my Wife
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the
attractive salesgirl,
"but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
"but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Divorced Barbie
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his
daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?" She continued, "We have Barbie Goes To The Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $255.00".
Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture".
He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?" She continued, "We have Barbie Goes To The Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $255.00".
Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture".
Costume to a Party
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I
want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big
enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Bra Types
A man walked into a fancy lingerie department and told the clerk that he
wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"
"Type? There are different types of bra's?"
"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."
"What's the difference?"
"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"
"Type? There are different types of bra's?"
"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."
"What's the difference?"
"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
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