Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's
say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the
lowest score for the day."
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the
8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the
9th.
"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes,
neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty,
Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my
ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd
cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been
standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
Viagra Extra Strength
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three
girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need
something to keep me horny...keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's jewels are black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls never showed up."
The Suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some
very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
No Name Toilet Paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered
over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why," he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why," he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
Milk Bath
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
Mechanical Pussy
A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the
store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
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