Use the word Definitely

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says,

"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says,

"Sorry, Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"

Unusual Event

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday

Sexual Morality Lecture

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, 

"ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Sensory Exploration

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these, ", announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

School's Out

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."
The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"

Psychology Course

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses.

She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."