A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during meal times!"
25 Years Ago
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Wedding Gift
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding
anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
Tombstone Curving
Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife
with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved,
"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."
Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved,
"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."
"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."
Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved,
"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."
Something Real Cheap
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife
a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived
at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
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