A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy.
The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to
pregnancy...and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper
lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
Only Night Home
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
Oldie
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.
"O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
New Diet
This woman has tried every way she can think of to lose weight and nothing
has worked, so finally she overcomes her embarrassment and asks her doctor for
help.
"I may have the solution", says the doctor. "It's a new diet, just approved--for two weeks you can have any food you want but instead of eating it, you must take it rectally." He assures the woman that she can survive this treatment and that she should lose all her extra weight doing it. He also tells her to come in for a checkup at the one-week mark.
She shows up a week later and the doctor, after examining her, says "The diet is working, and
I see no complications--but I will have to refer you to a specialist for your leg problem."
"What leg problem, Doctor?", she asks.
"Well, I noticed you were walking abnormally..."
"Oh that...that's just my bubble gum..."
"I may have the solution", says the doctor. "It's a new diet, just approved--for two weeks you can have any food you want but instead of eating it, you must take it rectally." He assures the woman that she can survive this treatment and that she should lose all her extra weight doing it. He also tells her to come in for a checkup at the one-week mark.
She shows up a week later and the doctor, after examining her, says "The diet is working, and
I see no complications--but I will have to refer you to a specialist for your leg problem."
"What leg problem, Doctor?", she asks.
"Well, I noticed you were walking abnormally..."
"Oh that...that's just my bubble gum..."
Mental Patients II
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another
from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed
the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, you records and
your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only
sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the
neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Mental Patients
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing?"
Bob says.."I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing?"
Bob says.."I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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