There is a man who visits Great Britain on a vacation from his home country:
China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese money for twenty British pounds.
That day he paints the town red and needs to go to get more money.
The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office and gives the
same amount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19 pounds in return. In broken
English, he says to the clerk, "Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give
me 20 pound. Today, I give you same money, you give 19."
The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."
The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back, "Fluck you
Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"
Fire Three Shots
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
Eating Out in London
A Texan, a Russian, and a guy from New Jersey are all in a restaurant in
London.
When the waiter arrived at the table he said, "Excuse me, but due to our "Mad Cow" disease here in England, if you order the steak, you might not get one, as there is a shortage".
To which the Texan replied, "What's a shortage?"
...and the Russian replied, "What's a steak?"
...and the guy from New Jersey said, "What's "Excuse Me?"
When the waiter arrived at the table he said, "Excuse me, but due to our "Mad Cow" disease here in England, if you order the steak, you might not get one, as there is a shortage".
To which the Texan replied, "What's a shortage?"
...and the Russian replied, "What's a steak?"
...and the guy from New Jersey said, "What's "Excuse Me?"
Drunk Irishman
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He
figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him
up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Dying... a Smart Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor,
after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've
some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give
you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?".
Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?".
Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Chinese Torture
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and
he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes
upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man
can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of
the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answer, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says
"I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snicks into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,
"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.
On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb. rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
He knocks on the door and an old man answer, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says
"I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snicks into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,
"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.
On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb. rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
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