A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation
at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two
asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a
more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta
spella Mississippi."
Japanese Mail Order Bride
This white guy marries a Japanese mail-order bride. She doesn't speak any
English. During sex she always starts screaming "YOSHI DOSHI, YOSHI DOSHI!!!"
and her husband interprets this as meaning "Very Good!".
A few months later, the husband goes out golfing with some Japanese business associates.
The one fellow gets a hole in one and the husband figures he'll impress the guy so he claps his hands and yells "YOSHI DOSHI!!!"
The Japanese guy gets really pissed off and yells back "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
A few months later, the husband goes out golfing with some Japanese business associates.
The one fellow gets a hole in one and the husband figures he'll impress the guy so he claps his hands and yells "YOSHI DOSHI!!!"
The Japanese guy gets really pissed off and yells back "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
Italian Accent
(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day Im'a gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand...I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.
I gonna back to Italy.
One day Im'a gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand...I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.
I gonna back to Italy.
Fluctuations
There is a man who visits Great Britain on a vacation from his home country:
China. The first day he exchanges some Chinese money for twenty British pounds.
That day he paints the town red and needs to go to get more money.
The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office and gives the same amount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19 pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk, "Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give you same money, you give 19."
The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."
The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back, "Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"
The next day he goes back to the same currency exchange office and gives the same amount of Chinese currency, but only gets 19 pounds in return. In broken English, he says to the clerk, "Yestaday, I give you Chinese money and you give me 20 pound. Today, I give you same money, you give 19."
The clerk replies, "Sir, it's the market. Fluctuations."
The Chinese man gets an enraged look on his face and yells back, "Fluck you Asians!!? Well Fluck You British!!"
Fire Three Shots
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a
better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.
The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
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