Stretching a Dime

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on 
 her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a sh*t in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."

Stereotyping

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, " I don't like Chinese. "

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?

"The Captain says, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "

The F.O. says, " Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.

And the Captain answers, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike. "

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, " No like Jew. "

The Captain replies, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "

F.O. says, " Jews sink Titanic. "

The Captain tries to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg. "

The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same.

Speeches to the Deaf Society

An Englishman , a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleague's starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies...and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his
chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

Russian Baby

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. 

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Rain or Snow

One day, a Russian couple are walking down the street, trying to find some black bread to go with there cabbage soup, when the husband says, "Did you just feel rain there?"

"No, I thought it felt more like snow", replied his wife and, as these things go in married life, it developed into an argument.

Just then, a communist party official walked by. "Lets ask Rudolph if it is officially raining or snowing today", suggested the woman.

So they asked. "Today it is officially raining", said the Rudolph, and walked away.

"I still thought it was snow", moaned the mans wife, to which he replied," Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."