Blind Horse

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see.

As he approaches his neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion. "Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.

"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!'"

Blind Bunny & a Blind Snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so 

I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a lawyer."

Birthday Parrot

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music , anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet.

The man was frightened that he might actually have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said.... "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him.... when the parrot continued..... "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Bad Dog II

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by, who had seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

A Mouse & a Lion in a Bar

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within
five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"

A Bear and a Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. 

The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish.

The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet . . . and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled.

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well."

The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!