A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he
could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence
was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at
night!"
Elephant's Mating Season
A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, "Your
job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it's mating
season and they will jump on just about anything." "Don't worry," the guy
replied, "I've worked with elephants before."
Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper's office screaming, "I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my asshole is the size of a basketball."
"That can't be true," replied the head keeper, "if you worked with elephants before you know their penises are about as round as a grapefruit."
"I know, I know," the guy screams, "but, he fingered me first!"
Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper's office screaming, "I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my asshole is the size of a basketball."
"That can't be true," replied the head keeper, "if you worked with elephants before you know their penises are about as round as a grapefruit."
"I know, I know," the guy screams, "but, he fingered me first!"
Cow Give Birth
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old
son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man
thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and
the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
CAT-scan & LAB-Test
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The
vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the
examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few
moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly
agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the CAT scan and lab tests."
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the CAT scan and lab tests."
Construction Worker's Dog
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog was named Measure.
He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked, "What can your dog do?
The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show these fellows what you can do!"
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back. While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.
The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog was better. This dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog was named Measure.
He was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten-ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three of the men agreed this was very good, and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the construction worker and asked, "What can your dog do?
The construction worker called his dog, whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show these fellows what you can do!"
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back. While doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and then clocked out early on sick leave.
Bragging about their Dogs
Three blokes are in a pub bragging about their dogs. Each claims to have the
world's smartest dog.
The first bloke says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald Sun. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The second bloke says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give my dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a packet of Peter Jackson. He knows it's the only brand I'll smoke. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The third bloke says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs trade? Well, my dog runs the place!"
The first bloke says, "MY dog is so smart, every morning I give him two dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me the Herald Sun. He knows it's the only paper I'll ever read. He comes back with the correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The second bloke says, "That's nothing. Every morning I give my dog ten dollars and he goes to the corner shop to buy me a packet of Peter Jackson. He knows it's the only brand I'll smoke. He comes back with correct change. Now that's a smart dog."
The third bloke says "That's nothing. You know the corner shop where your dogs trade? Well, my dog runs the place!"
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