A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley
that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in
the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You
could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times
last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too."
They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last
year. That's
ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365
times with the same cow."
Male Race Horse
The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials.
However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'"
However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'"
Lonely Frog
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Labrador Retrievers at Vet
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black
lab turns to the brown and says,
"So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
"So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Initiation
There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the
ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he
swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for
work--it was a sheep ranch.
They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.
The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!"
Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting.
"Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."
Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.
Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."
They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.
The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!"
Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!
So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting.
"Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"
"Huh?" he said.
"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."
Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."
A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.
Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?"
"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."
Humping Dog
A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel would start humping her every
time he came into the house, "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," the dog Doc answered, "we could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath!"
"Well," the dog Doc answered, "we could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)