A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to
the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20
years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to
leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing
these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor
and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his
nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he
NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells
him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave
you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the
problem?"
The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are
driving her crazy.
First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the
floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few
things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything
he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's
toes!"
The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do
anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told
me to always keep my nose clean."
The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any
criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your
lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me
to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw
up."
Counterfeit Bills
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18
bills would be in some small hick Texas town.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
Clerk in a Drugstore
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He
could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might,
John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might,
John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!
Can't Have a Descent Jobs
A fat and ugly little man from Bangladesh named Futh decides that since he
cannot get a decent job in his own country, he would immigrate to the United
States and try his luck there.
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
Buying a Bra
A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.
Drunk: This one will do the job!
Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?
Drunk: 7 1/2
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a standard listing of mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.
Drunk: 7 1/2.
Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help.
Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!
Clerk: But, sir--
Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit !!!
Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk: My hat!
Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.
Drunk: This one will do the job!
Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?
Drunk: 7 1/2
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a standard listing of mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.
Drunk: 7 1/2.
Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help.
Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!
Clerk: But, sir--
Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit !!!
Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk: My hat!
Changing Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for
the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed
the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
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