A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops
outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, "I've got an
offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right,
I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car."
The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.
"137" says the driver.
"Damn me, you're right," says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a
sheep.
The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away
when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the
shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If
I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."
"Done," says the driver
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Bloody hell! How did you guess?"
"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then
you charge me for it."
Father's Last Words
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to
the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20
years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy.
First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy.
First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
Counterfeit Bills
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18
bills would be in some small hick Texas town.
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
Clerk in a Drugstore
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He
could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about
enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might,
John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might,
John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."!!
Can't Have a Descent Jobs
A fat and ugly little man from Bangladesh named Futh decides that since he
cannot get a decent job in his own country, he would immigrate to the United
States and try his luck there.
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
Three months later in New York he runs into a someone that he knows (not a friend, because he is much too hideous to have any of them), and they start discussing jobs.
"Are you working now?" asked the acquaintance, who was only talking to him out of pity anyway.
"No'" replies Futh. "I just quit my job at Coney Island. A man had me put my head through a canvas, and the customers would throw baseballs at my head. I couldn't sit down for a week!"
"You silly moron, what does getting hit in the head have to do with sitting down?"
"Oh, I forgot to mention. The back of the canvas was rented out as a dart game."
Buying a Bra
A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.
Drunk: This one will do the job!
Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?
Drunk: 7 1/2
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a standard listing of mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.
Drunk: 7 1/2.
Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help.
Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!
Clerk: But, sir--
Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit !!!
Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk: My hat!
Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.
Drunk: This one will do the job!
Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?
Drunk: 7 1/2
Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not made in that size. Here is a standard listing of mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.
Drunk: 7 1/2.
Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer to help.
Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!
Clerk: But, sir--
Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit !!!
Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What did you use?
Drunk: My hat!
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