There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed,
but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He
spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small
"x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This
is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put
it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
The Job Interview
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
The Great Oasis
Three men were walking in a desert, tired, hungry and thirsty they came upon
an oasis with a great castle. Upon entering the castle the men found that there
were no men at the castle, only countless beautiful women.
For about a week the three men enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the king of the castle returned with his army and upon paying a visit to his harem he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the wall.
The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his acts according to his chosen occupation.
He walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation, the man replied that he was a fireman. The king then said to his guard, "Burn off his penis."
This done the king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your occupation?"
Hesitating the man stated, "I'm a police officer."
At this the king ordered the guard, "Shoot off his penis."
With this done, he proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation." With a smile on his face the man replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
For about a week the three men enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the king of the castle returned with his army and upon paying a visit to his harem he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the wall.
The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his acts according to his chosen occupation.
He walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation, the man replied that he was a fireman. The king then said to his guard, "Burn off his penis."
This done the king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your occupation?"
Hesitating the man stated, "I'm a police officer."
At this the king ordered the guard, "Shoot off his penis."
With this done, he proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation." With a smile on his face the man replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
The Barracks Door is Open
Mr. Larson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the
room, she said, "Mr. Larson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Tax Compliance Audit
A tax official has come to a rural synagogue do to a tax compliance audit.
The rabbi accompanies him to the synagogue. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after
you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
Software Engineers
At a recent software engineering course, the participants were given an
awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered
that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control
software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)