It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had
instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when
Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was
washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps
the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit
my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into
my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was
often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.
And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn,
and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Jesus in a Bar
An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to
the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a
long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that
Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender.
"Yes it is," the bartender
replies. "Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman
responds.
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.
He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.
"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.
He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.
"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"
Is Sex Work or Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if
sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge: a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
Half Jewish
My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They've got two daughters, with a
son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"
"Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish!"
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"
"Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish!"
Gravy Ladle
In France, the assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper than met the eye.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional ... that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and his housekeeper than met the eye.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional ... that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "My son, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
Good Sermon
After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with
her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the
preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000. in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000. in that there collection plate."
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"
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