The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands
of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner
of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the
crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going
ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never
thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I
bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but
for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
The New Nun's Secret
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a
terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the
sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
The New Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The Evangelist
The sweet young thang was telling the Evangelist that she had been sleeping
in another bedroom since she had caught her husband sleeping with the
neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child." intoned the TV minister as he patted her hand and she fell into his arms gently sobbing. "But..." he added, as his grip tightened, "How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first ?"
The Bum & the Pope
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and bought
a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade route. When he
went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty
clothes on. To the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the bum,
and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went over to the bum and
offered him $100 for the clothes off his back.
Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"
St. Finger
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to
Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well
endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
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