One night in a small town, the church burned to the ground.
The following Sunday, the congregation had to hold services under a huge
tent. "Please donate as much as possible," implored the minister, "so that we
may start the construction on our new church as soon as possible."
Suddenly the town hooker spoke up and said, "I'd like to donate $2,500,
Reverend."
The minister replied, "As desperately as we need the funds, I refuse to
accept tainted money!"
A male voice in the back of the tent shouted out, "You might as well take it
Reverend, it's our money anyway."
Dividing the Collection Plate
A rabbi, a priest and a minister were discussing how they divided up the
collection plate after services.
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air. All the money that landed in the circle was for God, and all that landed outside wa for himself and the parish.
The priest used a similar system. He drew a straight line on the ground, and the money that fell on one side was for God, and the other for himself and the church.
The rabbi said that his was a similar system. "I toss the offerings up in the air, and anything God can catch He can keep."
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air. All the money that landed in the circle was for God, and all that landed outside wa for himself and the parish.
The priest used a similar system. He drew a straight line on the ground, and the money that fell on one side was for God, and the other for himself and the church.
The rabbi said that his was a similar system. "I toss the offerings up in the air, and anything God can catch He can keep."
Denounce the Devil
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little
you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Confused About Jesus Christ
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked
Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Confession III
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have
sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.
"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be? "the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?" "I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest.
"You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be? "the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."
Confession II
A sixteen-year-old girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a
son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
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