The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little
Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to
notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking
beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat
down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed
hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and
tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound
up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well
finish....."
Fuck Off
Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she saw a novice nun
working in the vegetable patch. Unfortunately every seed she planted was stolen
by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby.
"Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!"
Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over.
"Young lady.......That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo.......shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves."
"Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!"
Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over.
"Young lady.......That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo.......shoo.... and they'll FUCK OFF by themselves."
Four Old College Friends
Four old college friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle
"Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle
"Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6".. he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders ... terribly handsome ...dresses very well...tight muscular body ... tight hard buns ... and a very nice bulge ... and whenever he walks into a room .... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
Father O'Grady
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
"What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly.
"Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"
Donation for Church Construction
One night in a small town, the church burned to the ground.
The following Sunday, the congregation had to hold services under a huge tent. "Please donate as much as possible," implored the minister, "so that we may start the construction on our new church as soon as possible."
Suddenly the town hooker spoke up and said, "I'd like to donate $2,500, Reverend."
The minister replied, "As desperately as we need the funds, I refuse to accept tainted money!"
A male voice in the back of the tent shouted out, "You might as well take it Reverend, it's our money anyway."
The following Sunday, the congregation had to hold services under a huge tent. "Please donate as much as possible," implored the minister, "so that we may start the construction on our new church as soon as possible."
Suddenly the town hooker spoke up and said, "I'd like to donate $2,500, Reverend."
The minister replied, "As desperately as we need the funds, I refuse to accept tainted money!"
A male voice in the back of the tent shouted out, "You might as well take it Reverend, it's our money anyway."
Dividing the Collection Plate
A rabbi, a priest and a minister were discussing how they divided up the
collection plate after services.
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air. All the money that landed in the circle was for God, and all that landed outside wa for himself and the parish.
The priest used a similar system. He drew a straight line on the ground, and the money that fell on one side was for God, and the other for himself and the church.
The rabbi said that his was a similar system. "I toss the offerings up in the air, and anything God can catch He can keep."
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air. All the money that landed in the circle was for God, and all that landed outside wa for himself and the parish.
The priest used a similar system. He drew a straight line on the ground, and the money that fell on one side was for God, and the other for himself and the church.
The rabbi said that his was a similar system. "I toss the offerings up in the air, and anything God can catch He can keep."
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