A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks,
they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and
starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and
says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to
his bulging legs,
"See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming
to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and
asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was
afraid you were about to blow!"
Young Woman's Confession
One day a young woman walks into the church and proceeds to go into
confession.
"Father.... if I should ever see a mans penis.... what should I do?"
"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.
"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans penis?" the woman asks?
"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.
About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is washing her eyes and hands with the holy water.
Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."
"Father.... if I should ever see a mans penis.... what should I do?"
"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.
"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans penis?" the woman asks?
"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.
About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is washing her eyes and hands with the holy water.
Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."
World War II Confession
In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he
said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."
But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."
"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."
"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."
"What is it?"
"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"
"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."
But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."
"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."
"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."
"What is it?"
"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"
Why Men Stand to Pee
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra
things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam
and Eve. He told the couple, that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.
Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.
Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."
Which Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My
good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts
five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that
lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll
deliver."
Two Nuns Traveling Europe
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through
Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a
traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
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