A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much
milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
Mechanical Pussy
A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the
store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
Health Inspectors
There's this bloke, Frank, who runs a cafe in the town center. One day a
health and safety inspector visits his outlet, in disguise. Anyway Frank is
rinsing the glasses with really dirty dishwater, and spitting on the glasses to
polish in a shine. The inspector is a little taken aback but goes up to the bar
nonetheless. Frank is obviously allergic to the inspectors hairspray or
something because hr sneezes an almighty amount of goo into his hands, and then
proceeds to wipe it down his apron.
"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.
"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.
"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out:
"I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.
He starts to think about the task ahead.
Two weeks pass, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.
"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."
Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.
"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"
"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"
"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."
"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."
"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.
"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.
"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out:
"I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.
He starts to think about the task ahead.
Two weeks pass, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.
"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."
Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.
"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"
"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"
"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."
"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."
Have you seen my Husband?
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get
separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks:
"Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of
curly black hair."
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the butt, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the butt, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
Hardware Store
A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner
she
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna
screw for that?"
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow
ya for that toaster over there."
needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.
He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna
screw for that?"
And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow
ya for that toaster over there."
Hair Spray
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He
wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel
like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking
and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to
the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
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