Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed
someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and
Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician
pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him
over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said,
"No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then
he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said,
"Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said,
"No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us
went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes!'"
Three Rooms to Choose from
A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by a devil who explains the
rules:
"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."
The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"
The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."
The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."
Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."
Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"
"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."
The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"
The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."
The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."
Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."
Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"
She'll be Missed
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat
sank.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.
She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".
The old woman fainted.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.
She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".
The old woman fainted.
Reset the Trap
Goldstein and his wife are on a Caribbean cruise, when a huge wave sweeps
Mrs. Goldstein overboard. A search doesn't find her body.
Goldstein, heartbroken, returns to New York.
A few weeks later, he gets a cable " We have located your wife's body. Also found a huge pearl, three inches in diameter, formed in her vagina. Please instruct."
Goldstein cables back: "Send me the pearl, and reset the trap."
Goldstein, heartbroken, returns to New York.
A few weeks later, he gets a cable " We have located your wife's body. Also found a huge pearl, three inches in diameter, formed in her vagina. Please instruct."
Goldstein cables back: "Send me the pearl, and reset the trap."
Rented Tuxedo
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived
far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie
and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Money's Worth
Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town,
passed away.
His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."
His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."
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