A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their
wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to
come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had
nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a
pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those
for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound
of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
Diary of a Successful New Bride
Dear Diary,
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel
food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
"Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill
happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I
heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the
garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the
dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I
felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my Mom's house! There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when
I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't
know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed
back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some
little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When
Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.
So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.
Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix
well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until
double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to
double in bulk!
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new
recipe on Bill.
Monday;
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new
home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel
food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to
borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake
turned out fine.
Tuesday;
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
"Serve without dressing." So, I didn't dress. But, Bill
happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
Did they ever look startled when I served the salad!
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So, I
heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the
garden by my Mom's. So I tossed my salad into the
bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the
dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I
felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right
over to my Mom's house! There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I
came back home again it looked the same as when
I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't
know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed
back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some
little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When
Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.
So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
There must be a problem with the oven, because
it still came out a hamburger.
Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "Mix
well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until
double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to
double in bulk!
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new
recipe on Bill.
Days with Letter R
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their
doctor advised, "It's not unusual for young people to overdo things during the
first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want
you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an "r" in them. That
is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico's orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, "What day is it honey?"
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, "Mondray."
Confession Before Marriage
On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that
the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested.
If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"
The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married.
On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The guy replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"
Can't Get Into
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding
night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
Because it's Lent
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into
a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,...that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,...that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)