Randy the Rooster

This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wanted chicks. So he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he had a rooster.

The other farmer said, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster was a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy.

The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer pointed toward the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! He nailed every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer was just shocked.
Randy ran out of the hen house and saw a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He got all the geese. Randy was up in the pigpen, he was in with the cows. Randy was jumping on every animal the farmer owned.

The farmer was distraught, worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer went to bed and woke up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shook his head and said, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opened one eye, pointed toward the sky and said, "Shhh...buzzards."

Porcupine

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper.

"The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."

This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office.

The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

Plane Passenger

A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow".

The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee.

When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you witch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out.

As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a pretty cheeky person!!"

Parrot Made Phone Calls

Dave went to the pet store and bought himself a parrot. The parrot could speak 5 different languages.

After a week, Dave had to go out of town on business. When Dave returned home and received his phone bill in the mail, he found $500 worth of phone calls had been made.

He asked the parrot about it, and the parrot explained that he had made the calls to his friends around the world.

Dave was furious. He told the parrot that he had to go out of town again and that he had better not make any calls, or else. Yet when Dave returned, he found the same thing Had happened when he received a phone bill for $1000.

Dave took the parrot and nailed his two wings to the wall. The parrot hung his head down, then looked over at the crucifix next to him and said "So, how high was your phone bill?

Parrot

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.

The neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot was up to. The owners reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it, they will have to shave his head.

That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbor's turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The next day at the farmer's daughters wedding, to please the relative, who had given them the parrot, they sit the parrot on the piano and tell him that he should greet all the guests and direct them to their seats in the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's guests to the left and Bride's guests to the right."

Until finally two bald men arrive and then he announces, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

Nesting Squirrels

At the government buildings in London, a guard had flinched and his C.O. had seen and walked up to him and said:

C.O.: Jones!! Did I just see you flinch Jones?!?

Jones: Yes sir.

C.O. : Why did you flinch Jones?!

Jones: Well, you see Sir. I was standing right here, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came out of that tree, ran across the yard, up me pant leg and nestled in me crotch Sir.

C.O. : Ahh...So that's when you flinched..Eh Jones?!

Jones: No Sir ...about that same time, a squirrel came out of the other tree, went up me pant leg and nestled in me crotch Sir.

C.O. : That's when you flinched ..Eh Jones?!
Jones: No Sir...It's when they began to speak and said "Let's eat one now and save the other for winter