Three men were walking in a desert, tired, hungry and thirsty they came upon
an oasis with a great castle. Upon entering the castle the men found that there
were no men at the castle, only countless beautiful women.
For about a week the three men enjoyed the harem of women, then one day the
king of the castle returned with his army and upon paying a visit to his harem
he found the three men and summoned his guards to line the men up against the
wall.
The king approached the men and stated that each would be punished for his
acts according to his chosen occupation.
He walked up to the first man and demanded to know his occupation, the man
replied that he was a fireman. The king then said to his guard, "Burn off his
penis."
This done the king then proceeded to the second man, "What is your
occupation?"
Hesitating the man stated, "I'm a police officer."
At this the king
ordered the guard, "Shoot off his penis."
With this done, he proceeded to the third man, "What is your occupation."
With a smile on his face the man replied, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
The Barracks Door is Open
Mr. Larson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the
room, she said, "Mr. Larson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Tax Compliance Audit
A tax official has come to a rural synagogue do to a tax compliance audit.
The rabbi accompanies him to the synagogue. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after
you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
Software Engineers
At a recent software engineering course, the participants were given an
awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered
that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control
software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
Social Worker
A 16 year old client of a social worker informed the worker that she was
going to be married.
The worker gave her several pamphlets on how to stay healthy and the virtues of not having children for a few years.
The social worker returned to visit her a year later. She found the girl had twin girls. She asked the girl if she had read the pamphlets and the girl said yes. Worker said then they didn't do you any good. Girl said "Oh, sure they did, we found names for the twins in them, Syphilis and Gonorrhea."
The worker gave her several pamphlets on how to stay healthy and the virtues of not having children for a few years.
The social worker returned to visit her a year later. She found the girl had twin girls. She asked the girl if she had read the pamphlets and the girl said yes. Worker said then they didn't do you any good. Girl said "Oh, sure they did, we found names for the twins in them, Syphilis and Gonorrhea."
Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
our employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our one program of special high intensity training. (S.H.I.T.) We are striving
to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company. If you feel that you
do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T., please see your manager. you will
immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list. Our managers are
especially skilled in seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the Department of Employee
Evaluation Program. (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.) Those who fail to take S.H.I.T. will have
to go to Employees Attitude Training. (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Since our managers took. S.H.I.T. They dont have to do S.H.I.T. any more because they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be qualified to train others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a Promotion to Director of Intensity Programming(D.I.P.S.H.I.T) If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training(H.O.T S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
Boss in General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
Since our managers took. S.H.I.T. They dont have to do S.H.I.T. any more because they are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be qualified to train others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a Promotion to Director of Intensity Programming(D.I.P.S.H.I.T) If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training(H.O.T S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
Boss in General
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)
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