When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some
very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager
asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is
your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
No Name Toilet Paper
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered
over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why," he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why," he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take shit off anybody!"
Milk Bath
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.
"I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."
The clerk asked, "Pasteurised?"
She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."
Mechanical Pussy
A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the
store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
"You have to see what we just got in", he said, "It's the latest thing out". With that he took out a package from under the counter and raised the lid showing the customer a strange looking object.
"What's that?", asked the customer.
"It's a mechanical pussy", replied the clerk.
"What on earth is it supposed to do?", asked the customer.
The clerk unwound the electrical cord and inserted it into the floor outlet, whereupon the
"thing" began to make all sorts of exotic undulating motions.
The customer was fascinated. "I have to have one of those!", he said.
"All right, sir, shall I wrap it for you?", asked the clerk.
"Oh no, that's all right", replied the customer, "I'll just eat it here".
Health Inspectors
There's this bloke, Frank, who runs a cafe in the town center. One day a
health and safety inspector visits his outlet, in disguise. Anyway Frank is
rinsing the glasses with really dirty dishwater, and spitting on the glasses to
polish in a shine. The inspector is a little taken aback but goes up to the bar
nonetheless. Frank is obviously allergic to the inspectors hairspray or
something because hr sneezes an almighty amount of goo into his hands, and then
proceeds to wipe it down his apron.
"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.
"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.
"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out:
"I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.
He starts to think about the task ahead.
Two weeks pass, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.
"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."
Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.
"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"
"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"
"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."
"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."
"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.
"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.
"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out:
"I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.
He starts to think about the task ahead.
Two weeks pass, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.
"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."
Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.
"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"
"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my willy, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"
"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."
"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."
Have you seen my Husband?
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get
separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks:
"Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of
curly black hair."
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the butt, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."
"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."
To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the butt, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!"
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