A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check
on a discrepancy.
"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher
said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several
times per night.' How could this be correct?"
"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the
house is paid off!"
Pissed Off Wife
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at
the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Piggy Bank Sex
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend
holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came
with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy
bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After
that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and
broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said:
"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
"Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."
The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
Pickle Slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"What happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"What happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men continue reading.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
****** By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men continue reading.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
****** By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.
Peeing Up the Wall
A certain couple loved to compete with each other, comparing their
achievements in every aspect of their lives: salaries, athletic abilities,
social accomplishments, and so on. Everything was a contest, and the husband
sank into a deep depression because he had yet to win a single one.
Finally he sought professional counsel, explaining to the shrink that while he wouldn't mind losing once in a while, his unbroken string of defeats had gotten him pretty down. "Simple enough. All we have to do is devise a game which you can't possibly lose."
The shrink thought for a moment, then proposed a pissing contest. "Whoever can pee higher on the wall wins- and how could any woman win?"
Running home, the husband called upstairs, "Darling, I've got a new game!"
"OOOH, I love games," she squealed, running down the stairs. "WHAT IS IT?"
"C'mon out here" he instructed, pulling her around to the patio. "We're going to stand here, piss on the wall, and whoever makes the highest mark wins."
"What fun! I'll go first." The woman proceeded to lift her dress, then her leg, and pee on the wall about six inches from the ground. She turned to him expectantly.
"Okay, now it's my turn," said the husband eagerly. He unzipped his fly, pulled out his penis, and was just about to pee when his wife interrupted.
"Hang on a sec," she cried out. "NO HANDS ALLOWED!"
Finally he sought professional counsel, explaining to the shrink that while he wouldn't mind losing once in a while, his unbroken string of defeats had gotten him pretty down. "Simple enough. All we have to do is devise a game which you can't possibly lose."
The shrink thought for a moment, then proposed a pissing contest. "Whoever can pee higher on the wall wins- and how could any woman win?"
Running home, the husband called upstairs, "Darling, I've got a new game!"
"OOOH, I love games," she squealed, running down the stairs. "WHAT IS IT?"
"C'mon out here" he instructed, pulling her around to the patio. "We're going to stand here, piss on the wall, and whoever makes the highest mark wins."
"What fun! I'll go first." The woman proceeded to lift her dress, then her leg, and pee on the wall about six inches from the ground. She turned to him expectantly.
"Okay, now it's my turn," said the husband eagerly. He unzipped his fly, pulled out his penis, and was just about to pee when his wife interrupted.
"Hang on a sec," she cried out. "NO HANDS ALLOWED!"
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