During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day,
three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third
was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending
priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was
released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity,
quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we
cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his
head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the
priest intervened:
"Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man."
The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt,
but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt
to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"
Lead Poisoning
A truck driver who has been delivering radioactive waste for the local
reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be
compensated for this ailment.
Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
Appearing at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right all lead
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived
at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
French Maid
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long
list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she
dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband concedes me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"
The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband concedes me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "The chauffeur told me that!"
Free Bus to Hotel Astor
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all
incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the
hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to
himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he
memorized it letter perfect.
Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. "Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel
Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."
Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows. "Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel
Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."
Fastest Thing in the World
There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a
prestigious job.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second application. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The third applicant was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why?Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the last man was called in.
He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....
(He got the job....)
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second application. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The third applicant was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why?Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the last man was called in.
He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....
(He got the job....)
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