Gone but not Forgotten

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy."

Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

Farmer's Mother in Law

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'

The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

Dying Irishman

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.

Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brian walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Deathbed Confession

Sharon was on her deathbed, with her husband Martin at her side. He held her cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face.

"Burt," she said, weakly.

"Hush," he interrupted. "Don't talk."

But she insisted. "Martin," she continued. "I have something to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Martin. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Martin, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Martin stroked her hand. "Now, Sharon, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed.

"Why else would I have poisoned you?"

Cookies for the Funeral

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

Adultery

There were three guys that died and went to heaven.

The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
 
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."

The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
 
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the 

Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
 
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"