A concerned Patient

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during meal times!"

25 Years Ago

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Wedding Gift

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"