Birthday Parrot

A man received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music , anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet.

The man was frightened that he might actually have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said.... "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

The man was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him.... when the parrot continued..... "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Bad Dog II

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by, who had seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

A Mouse & a Lion in a Bar

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within
five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night."

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a hundred miles!"