Emergency Training

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. 

Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

Dress of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. 

The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her "Well, go iron the fucking thing first!"

Double the Recipe

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith come home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

The miss's is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four.

Mr. Smith explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Daddy's Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."

Couple Take a Long Cruise

Mr. Wojohowitz had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested one day, "why don't we take a cruise for a week and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young?"

He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and coat and went down to the corner drug store. He stepped up to the counter and asked for a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

Upon returning home his wife greeted him at the door saying, "you know dear, I've been thinking it over and I see no reason why we couldn't manage a month long cruise so we could relax and make wild passionate love like we did when we were young."

He smiled, turned around and went back to the pharmacy. He stepped up and ordered 12 bottles of seasick pills and a dozen boxes of condoms.

Upon returning back home his wife met him on the porch with a big smile on her face.

"Max, I have a marvelous idea. You know, now that our children are all on their own, there's nothing to stop us from cruising around the world."

"I'll be right back," he said.

Back to the drug store he went. When he approached the pharmacy counter the druggist looked up with a puzzled grin. Mr. Wojohowitz sheepishly ordered 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same number of boxes of condoms.

The startled pharmacist busied himself filling the order then passed the wrapped package across the counter saying, "You know, Mr. Wojohowitz, you've been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick - WHY DO YOU DO IT!"