Guardian Angel

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked....

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Worst Sound

There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One of the men ask the other two what was the worst sound they ever heard.

The first old man said, "well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants coming in my direction and no place to hide."

The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force and was flying over the ocean and my engine on my air plane was making bad noises like it was going to quit."

The third old man who had asked the question said, "well I have the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her husband came in on us while we were in the bed together. I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window."

The third old man stopped talking for a minute and the other two men ask, "well what was the bad sound". The third old man said, "just a minute this is hard for me to retell the story".

After a short pause he then said "ok, I jumped out the window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls, so there I was hanging by my balls, and the worst sound I ever heard was the man trying to open his pocket knife with his teeth.

Trying to Make Him Puke

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunks ass.

A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what there doing. "What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass?" yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass", the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.