Chinese Surprise

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, 
"I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!

Chinese named Hans

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,

"What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

Captured by Cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,"Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points itat his head, says, "God save the queen!" and pulls the trigger.

The New Yorker says, "gimme the fawkin'fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.

The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!"

War Game

During an war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help push the jeep out of the mud.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been declared dead and the umpire said we can't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."