Key to Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Jesus in a Bar

An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender. "Yes it is," the bartender replies. "Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman responds.

They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender.  

The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.

Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."

Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.

He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.

Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.

Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.

"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"