Van-Aerial Disease

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"

Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, 'Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!'

Tropical Sex

Guy goes to a whorehouse and asks for something really exotic. The madam says go down the hall to the last rooms on the left. He strolls down to the room and goes in.

In the room he discovers a huge fat girl, but he thinks, what the hell. So they strip naked and get in the bed. First thing the fat gal does is sit on his face and cuts a big old fart. He says, 

"What the hell is that?"

She says, "That is a tropical breeze blowing in your face."

He thinks, well OK. Next thing the big old whore does is stand up and start to piss all over him and he yells, "What the hell is that for?"

She says, "That's the tropical rain falling on you."

He thinks OK. Then she starts getting wound up and starts beating him on the head with her big titties. He says, "What the hell now?"

She says, "Those are coconuts falling out of the palm trees."

The guy gets up and starts getting dressed and the old whore says, "Where you going?" He says, "I don't know about you honey, but I can't fuck in this kind of weather."

Three Old Ladies Playing Bridge

Three old ladies were sitting around playing bridge when one of them, Edna says," You know ladies, I'm having a real problem getting my husband interested sexually."

So Mary pipes up and says, "Edna, listen, you know what I do? When my husband gets home from work, I strip him down and rub him all over with exotic oils. Works every time!"
So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary. Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get on my bed and pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in, INSTANT erection."

So Edna, after contemplating both idea, decides to go with Dorothy's suggestion.

That night, before her husband gets home from working the late shift, Edna strips naked, hops onto her big 4-poster bed and struggles for about half an hour trying to get her legs back behind her head.

Just as she gets her feet behind her ears, in walks her husband. "Perfect timing", Edna thought, when her husband says," Jesus Christ Edna! Comb your hair and put in your teeth, you look like an asshole!"

The Peep Show

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door.
The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem".

She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her.

Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.

"Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat.

Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.

Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".

The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

That's no Ring

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."