The Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious, he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except, he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse, and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow... it jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest. anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared... her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the one down at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Sis then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis then layed back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on its head, he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there, limp and some of its insides was hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats....they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 36 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because i saw sis boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"

By this time, Johnny's mother had passed out cold.

Telegram from my Arse

A young boy was out shopping with his mother in the local supermarket. While walking along one of the aisles the young boy let rip with the loudest fart he could muster.

"I beg your pardon!" said his mother "Was that you who did that?"

"Yep." replied the boy, grinning "It's a telegram from my arse to let you know there's a shit on its way."

Stupid Kid

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.

The barber whispered, "That's Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Tommy! Come here!" yelled the barber. Tommy came bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" 

The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the quarter, the game is over."

Son and Dad Letters

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.