Two Assholes

Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"

Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

Three Rooms to Choose from

A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by a devil who explains the rules:
"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."

The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"

The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."

The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."

Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."

Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

She'll be Missed

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.