Broken Washing Mashine

A man says to his wife "darling I would love to have sex with you tonight." She replies, "please don't ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have sex, say something like 'is the washing machine working tonight' and only you and I will know what you mean."

The next day the man says to his wife "is the washing machine working tonight dear" to which she replies "no, its broken."

A couple of days later he asks "that washing machine, is it working now" to which she replies "no, its still broken."

A week later he asks "has the washing machine been repaired" to which she replies "no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it."

The following week the wife says to her husband "darling, the washing machine has been repaired and its working perfectly" to which the husband replies "don't worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand."

Awful Sex Life

One woman was complaining to her friend, "My sex life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to make me come. What's worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."

"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was exactly like his Computer."

"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.

"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions."

A Boy and His Date

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

24 Hours to Live

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and asked, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and asked, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turned to him with a grimace on her face and said, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"

2000 Pounds of Dynamite

A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs,

"See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Young Woman's Confession

One day a young woman walks into the church and proceeds to go into confession.

"Father.... if I should ever see a mans penis.... what should I do?"

"Well my child you should wash your eyes out with holy water" the priest replies.

"Well.............what if I..... touch a mans penis?" the woman asks?

"Then you should wash your hands with holy water as well" he answers.

About two weeks later, the young lady is in the church and she is washing her eyes and hands with the holy water.

Just then the priest walks in, sees her and says; "Excuse me Miss.... I think I need to brush my teeth."

World War II Confession

In Italy, a man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

Why Men Stand to Pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple, that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.
Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms."

Which Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Two Nuns Traveling Europe

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"