Gas Grill

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge."

At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It is as big as the gas grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little sausage!"

Fuuk Like a Black Guy

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks, "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuukin'. When you white guys fuuk, you just stick it in and: Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am! It's all over before it's even started. When we fuuk a woman, we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in slow, and gentle like. That's the secret, man, tease her until she begs you for it, and then slow and gentle like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home.

That night, in bed with his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fuuking her, but very slowly and very gently.
"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuuk like a black guy?"

Firehouse Love

A Fireman comes home one night and announces to his wife that from now on, their home is going to run like the fire station. The wife asks him how that is done. He tells her this is the way it's going to be.

At the fire station, when the men hear the first bell, they know to get you out of bed and get ready to go. When they hear the second bell it means to finish getting ready. When they hear the third bell, it's time to slide down the pole. Well, he has decided an adaptation for the home.

"When I yell first bell, you are to immediately go to the bedroom. When I yell second bell you are to take off all your clothes and lie down in the bed. When I yell third bell, you are to slide down my pole." The wife kinda shrugs and agrees to try this new order of things.

The fireman comes home a few days later and yells "First Bell". The wife goes into their bedroom. The fireman yells second bell and the wife gets naked and gets into the bed. The fireman yells "Third Bell" and the wife gets on him and slides down his pole. Now the fireman thinks this is just great.

After a few minutes, the wife yells "Fourth Bell". The fireman asks her what the hell is a fourth bell? She yells "More hose, more hose, it's not even close to being near the fire!!!"

Father's Last Words

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."

Escaped Convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"